Second (third, fourth...) chances

When it comes to second chances, there is definitely more than one school of thought. On one end of the spectrum, there are those individuals who abide by the rigid “no second chance” rule for no one, under no circumstances. On the other end, there are those who are regularly taken advantage of because they keep on giving second (third, fourth...) chances to just about everyone and their dog.

The barometer by which we gauge whether an individual deserves another kick at the can varies according to our values, our beliefs, our experiences, and our baggage. Another consideration we usually factor in is who the person happens to be in our own private universe and what they mean to us. After all, second chances are a precious gift.

I have recently been both the giver and recipient of such a gift.

Giving... A family member and I were on the outs for a number of months. The (sad) truth is that, during those months, I had no idea what was the root cause of the situation we were in. Reaching out was attempted to find a resolution. Communication was not responded to and ill informed theories began to germinate. Soon, the theories were running rampant like Japanese knotweed. When the unraveling came, it was both immensely painful and downright ludicrous.

Regardless, I chose to forgive, move on and offer another chance. Doing so was a choice, knowing full well the person may not change but also knowing my tolerance to such inane behaviour may change in time. My choice was about accepting them for who they are, and knowing they are doing the best they can with the resources they have. But, it’s also about knowing how to protect myself by not internalizing a similar situation in the future. Knotweed, you have been warned.

Receiving... A number of new people came into my life over the last two years, some with more staying power than others. Among them, one individual left their mark in a significant way. Our dynamic was not that of equals. I found myself attempting to become a contortionist to fit explicit and implicit expectations only to find out that I don't belong in the Cirque du Soleil. The lashing out went both ways. All sorts of ugliness ensued. Grown ups behaving poorly. The experience deeply rattled me.

It took some time but I acknowledged my role in the dynamic. It’s impossible to mesh with everyone we meet, no matter how much we would like to. Fortunately, some individuals are kind enough to offer second chances to either find a path forward or to bring closure. 

Both outcomes are worthy of gratitude.

Chain reactions

Your thoughts become things.

Bring about what you think about.

The law of attraction.

The power of the mind.

Visualization.

For years now, the above have been EVERYWHERE although visualization tends to be associated more with sports and business. For years, I resisted the whole Oprah-led movement around “The Secret” although I don’t dislike Oprah per se. I doubt you’ll ever find me at my favourite coffee shop reading “The Secret” but, you might find me reading up on positive thinking.  Turns out, positive thoughts tend to have a positive effect on a person. Who knew? *wink*

There is something to be said for focusing on the things we do want, versus the things we don’t want. When we focus on something – whatever it is - we tend to make it happen. Logically, that would mean that if we focus on the negative, that’s what we’ll invite in our lives. The negative creeps in, leaves a bad taste in our mouth, makes us sour, which then projects negative out in the world to attract more negative. See what I’m gettin’ at?

Just recently, I’ve endeavoured to open up more, to share more freely, and to focus on positive thoughts and tone down the negative self-talk. I’m learning to identify the things I do want and to express myself clearly on those things. Should be a no brainer, right? Right... Except when you’ve been doing the opposite. Since changing my approach, there have been a series of positive chain reactions, big and small.

One of the bigger things is that I’ve been offered to develop and deliver a workshop to be offered in the fall, on a subject that is near and dear to my heart. It’s scary and cool all at the same time. You could say the offer came out of the blue, but when I look back at the weeks (and even months) leading up to the offer being made, I can see traces of dominos being put in place, waiting for the right time to be set in motion.

Today, it feels like where there were obstacles, there are clear paths. Where there were problems, there are solutions. Where there were no options, there are opportunities. Where there was only the past, there is now a present. And where there was self-doubt, there is renewed confidence.

Wherever they originate from, I am grateful for chain reactions. Just like dominoes, they can go both ways. Influencing which way they fall is entirely up to us.

It’s all about momentum baby, and that’s the truth!

As those words rolled off the experienced tongue of an entrepreneur friend, I momentarily stopped to ponder the implications of that sentence. For better or worse, I am a thinker which means there are awkward pauses when I have to situate a new thought during a conversation. Very often it also means that my reflections come AFTER said conversation.

After mulling over his declaration, I concluded that there hadn't been much momentum in my life for a period of about 3 years. Oh I did “things” and tried my hand at a variety of “new” things. I bought my own place, traveled, met new people. But, what it comes down to, is that there was no real forward motion. In last week’s post I hinted that 2014 marked the beginning of doing things differently. In order to do that, some amount of time was spent looking back on those 3 years to determine what I could learn from them.

***********************************

Showing emotion, being emotionally vulnerable and available is not something that is either prized or practiced much in my family. Growing up, I was tagged as the “emotional one” and even teased when my natural tendency to emote came to the surface. It was only in my mid to late twenties that I began to learn about emotions. Credit goes to my ex-husband for that. Fast forward ten years and a number of life changing events came my way in a very short period of time. One of them was a serious car accident.

Hellooooo car accident!

The accident itself was extremely frightening. I genuinely thought I was going to die. It happened late on a Friday night, on my way home after an evening gathering. My father is my emergency contact and after receiving a call from the hospital, he was on the first flight out. He arrived early Saturday afternoon.

With his arrival came the perceived obligation on my part to “keep it all together”; to avoid being even the slightest bit “emotional”; to “prove” that I was “strong”; that I could navigate this situation “on my own”; that I didn’t need anyone’s “help” because I wasn’t a “victim.” 

Call it “Suck it up buttercup” on steroids of Olympic proportions.

And yes, I would regret going down that rabbit hole.

Once the lid had been sealed on the emotions of the accident, turns out I sealed up all the emotions associated to what was happening in parallel. For 3 years, I operated in this kind of emotional no man's land. I stopped listening to my instincts and trusting myself. I avoided taking logical and beneficial risks in favour of high risk activities that I hoped would make me feel again, like REALLY feel. In hindsight, it was like the ability to feel and to process emotions had abandoned me and I was trying to defibrillate them back to life.

It was January 20, 2014 when I snapped out of it. That was when I began to chart a new course by scratching the surface and delving into what really makes me tick. It's an ongoing process with its own ups and down. Self-awareness is both a blessing and a curse for a reason! In the last six months though, I’ve been moving forward. Finally. Every action, no matter the size, has been building momentum in my life, taking me in the direction I want to go.

While there is still plenty to learn, I am grateful for the momentum that is taking root because it’s all about momentum baby, and that’s the truth!

Brain Games

Doing things differently and experimenting with new activities became modus operandi when 2014 rolled around. Ideas came quick and fast, just like the effect of champagne bubbles on New Year’s Eve. Among them came the idea of playing brain games to not only keep the old noggin sharp, but to make it even sharper. The way I see it, the brain is just as important to maintain as the rest of the body’s mechanical parts.

MRI of my brain... Just kidding!

Googling (aka research) began in earnest and after taking virtual tours of a variety of online programs, I settled on Lumosity. The plan was to start with the free training options and then deciding whether or not to buy in – literally – to the program.

As I am not a gamer, and never have been, I was a little concerned this might be a situation of biting off more than I could chew. Turns out, I have pretty good hand eye coordination despite never having gotten past Level 1 on the original 1980s Mario Bros! In the same line of thought, other puzzle type games like crosswords or Sudoku, which are known to be good for the brain, never got my mojo going long term.

The Lumosity games focus of five areas of brain development: attention, flexibility, memory, problem-solving and speed. There is quite a bit of variety (40+ different games) and all of them, except one, I’ve found both interesting and challenging. Some are logic based, math based, verbal fluency based, etc. After a couple of weeks on the free version, I was enjoying it so much that I moved up to the complete paid program. It helped that they were offering a discount. *wink*

It has now been 4.5 months since I started “training” and I find my overall concentration has improved and so has my attention to detail. Is it just due to Lumosity or, are other changes I’ve implemented also contributed? At this point, it’s difficult to say. Nonetheless, I’m enjoying spending 15 minutes a day, 5 days a week, specifically taking care of my brain.

As the saying goes, training is a marathon, not a sprint, and so far, this program is keeping my attention and keeping me focused. The cost is cheaper than a pair of jeans and will last longer than the jeans!

At the end of the day, I’m grateful for technology that makes it more accessible for people to take care of themselves, be it physically, mentally or emotionally.